But some stuff I can't get out of my head. The problem is this: there are some people you simply cannot ask to lunch. It doesn't work like that. There's some people who you love SO much but simply cannot sit down and hold a normal conversation with and the nervousness and lack of eye contact and distance just add to the fact that you love them and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

I mean, you can't get involved with them because the reality of it just doesn't work. All you can do is get drunk with them and fall in love and get on with your life the next morning. And you start using words like "special bond" and "love" and truly believing them.

Then people ask you what the hell is going on and you don't know what to say without sounding out of your mind.

And you know how to contact them but not what to say, so you don't.

And so time lapses and a year passes and you still think what could have happened and know there aren't really any alternatives. There isn't really anything you could have done differently.

And the moment comes where they would really fit in perfectly to your life. The music starts to play again and the space and time where they belong sits there, blank. And it isn't so much the agony of despair as a comfortable kind of sorrow. Because there were never really any alternatives.

I miss him so much I think I'm going mad.