Leave

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown

Written at the close of my relationship with Evil Richard, on the 2nd of April, 2001 - one year ago today. I was pretty much at my lowest, unsure of the future, but excited at the same time. I have not regretted it since.

I saw Lolita's smile lose all its light and become a frozen little shadow of itself, and the fruit knife slipped off the table and struck her with its silver handle a freak blow on the ankle which made her gasp, and crouch head forward, and then, jumping on one leg, her face awful with the preparatory grimace which children hold till the tears gush, she was gone...
- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

This weekend was the weekend of "giving each others' stuff back" which is always fun. Supply was unable to meet demand - I must revisit the scene tonight. He thinks I am a fool for the decision I have made. I am not inclined to disagree with him but at the same time I have no choice. Besides which, he said he would never have me back.

So I am prepared, at least to some degree in my mind, to live the rest of my life without that support. But fuck it's scary.

And it's stupid because I'm really upset now but I know I was this upset all the time before. Every day at work I was crying down the fucking phone, trying to sort things out. It messed up whole days worth of work and I didn't look forward to anything.

Now, I do. I'm starting to make more things happen. If I want to catch up with people, I do. I make the plan and I go on over there and I do it. I go to sleep when I'm tired; cut evenings short if that's what I have to do, stay out all night if I'm so inclined. I'm not talking about freedom so much as a strange, troubling brand of peace.

It's not the same peace I had before, by far. But my demons were finding new and revolutionary ways of tormenting me. He says I am a fool for running from them, but I was so on the brink as it was... I would have jumped.

So I came this way. And 99% of the time I don't regret a thing. And I wish so much it could have worked, but so much was wrong with it, I didn't know where to turn anymore.

It's a very lonely road to choose but surely I wouldn't be a whole person if I couldn't survive alone?

He said to me, "you're the sort of person who needs to be in a long-term relationship, or you will destroy yourself" which I don't like to believe but could very well be right. [Hey you. Don't be scared. I am dancing around a point, here] He knows I have a complete lack of ability to keep my own head above water. And I want so much to work toward being able to do that for myself but the sad raw blood-red truth is this: people like me survive differently to people like you. Our needs are greater and much more selfish. We are arrogant, scheming, mindless creatures.

I digress. I miss him, and I don't doubt I will miss him all my life; but I left because I simply could not stay and in my pain and insolence and lack of self-esteem I stopped believing things could get better.